Tag Archives: positive

Do you have an inner critic bullying you?

How can you manage your inner critic with self-care?

Last week I began sharing with you my thoughts about how you (and probably everyone else) has an inner critic. Before moving forward I would like to remind you that you will also have an inner champion, are you listening to that part of yourself too?

 

Get perspective
When you step back and look at the bigger picture new insights appear

Both of these internalised inner voices are parts of you that have taken on a role. Both were developed unconsciously during your developmental phase and both emerged for a good reason.

 

As a side note, the type of inner voice I am commenting on is part of healthy normal development. There are people who have issues with internalised voices as a mental health issue. If you have any voices urging self-harm or violent behaviour please seek support and help from an appropriate qualified professional.

 

The focus today is on managing the inner critic. Last week I gave you some tips about acknowledging and evaluating the messages from the inner critic.

 

If your inner critic is particularly loud write down the script. By writing it down you will be able to get some distance and perspective.

 

Now write down what you think the positive intention is behind the script.

 

Definition: Positive intention is a term used in NLP to mean the motivation behind a thought, feeling or behaviour. The presupposition in NLP is that your unconscious is responsible for your patterns of thinking and behaving.

 

Your unconscious has a positive drive and is trying to protect you the best it can. Sometimes it has not enough or faulty information and so develops patterns that appear negative. Here is an example that illustrates what I mean.

 

An adult has a tendency to want to please others and say “yes” when they would really rather say “no”.

 

This pattern could have emerged for a variety of reasons, one could be that in childhood this person experienced disapproval from parental figures for saying “no”. Using child logic they developed a belief that the only way to be loved and approved of was to please others. This belief is held unconsciously and yet runs the adult’s responses.

 

Whenever this adult considers saying “no” to others or pleasing themselves the inner critic replays a version of those early messages. You may or may not consciously hear them however the emotions created are felt.

 

If this person continues to say “no” or please themselves their inner critic will continue commenting perhaps triggering feelings of guilt and low self-worth.

 

If the person suppresses their desire to say “no” or please themselves they may get a sense of relief coupled with other feelings such as low self-worth and unhappiness.

 

This has created a double bind, damned if you do damned if you don’t. Is this feeling familiar?

 

Now to return to my suggestion of writing down the script of the inner critic, as you review your own scripts consider “who was the author?”

 

The chances are the author will have been parental figures who in most cases had good intentions. By writing down your script you may gain some new insights that allow you to make changes.

 

Insights can be very powerful however sometimes insights are not enough. Have you ever had the experience of understanding something logically but hanging on to it emotionally?

 

This is a really common experience and this is where NLP can help you. There are many techniques in NLP that can help you re-write your script and become the author of your own life.

 

Here is a link to a free download which includes a technique called “Changing Beliefs”. The recording is taken from a workshop delivered as part of my NLP Research Dissertation into NLP as a way of improving Self-esteem and Well-being.

Next week I will share some ways of changing the sub-modalities of your inner critic to reduce the impact and perhaps transform your experience.

I am pleased to share with you that I have been nominated for the Research Award at the NLP Awards in London this May.

How are limiting beliefs created?

People often ask me “how  are limiting beliefs are created?” This can be the first step in the realisation that the thinking patterns that have been holding you back can be understood and changed. By asking the question the door is open to the possibility of transformation.

From a research perspective it is fair to say our evidence is anecdotal and comes from observation. Setting up a research model is problematic from both a practical and ethical position.

Leaving that aside when I share my belief about the formation of beliefs most people can relate.

Limiting beliefs, Empowering beliefs and neutral beliefs are all formed by the same processes and mechanisms. There are two primary processesinvolved and both have an external source.

I am sure you will not be surprised that the majority of our core belief systemis in place from a very early age and although we might adjust our beliefs, the basic structure is very resilient and resistant to change.

Both of the primary processes are in play simultaneously so let us consider them each in turn. Firstly, beliefs can be created by constant repetitionin the form of feedback and messages we receive especially those we get from our primary care givers such as parents. As children we assume our parents are all knowingand if they give us messages about our capabilities, our self-worth and about how the world works we are likely to accept these messages.

For instance, if a parent is constantly telling a child they are clumsy there will be an internalising of this message. Even if the child appears to make extra effort to be careful and even becomes known for that quality as an adult, the message has still been internalised. The very act of being extra careful is driven by a fearof people discovering how clumsy our example person is. Alternatively, the same message may result in a person who provides countless examples that the statement about them being clumsy is true.

So, whether we try to be the opposite or we directly accept the role we are still internalising the beliefabout being clumsy.

This same processwould also be responsible for a person taking on a positive beliefsuch as being clever or creative. All of this, with both Limiting and Empowering beliefs happens outside our conscious awareness. We take in the thinking pattern that creates the belief by osmosis and with little conscious processing.

Perhaps an even more fascinating aspect of this process is what happens when a child takes on a belief based on the constant repetition of what is not said. This can often happen where there are siblings. If one child is constantly praised for a particular quality such as creativity but this quality is never attributed to the child’s sister an unwitting message is being delivered. Child logicof the sister is such that the child may take on a belief that she is not creative because she is never told that she is. The parents in this case may not think that at all and were unaware of the unconscious response of their child.

The second of the processes responsible for the creating of beliefs is linked to high emotional loadand could be described as trauma. However, this may be misleading as we do get Empowering beliefsthis way too.

Let me expand, a belief or a series of beliefs can arise from one experience where the emotional intensity is particularly high. The emotions could be anything from fear, loss, anger through to joy or feelings of achievement. The key is high intensity chained to high meaning.

In terms of Limiting beliefs, I have worked with many clients who had a “shame”or “humiliation”experience that converted into feelings of low self-worthand confidence. I have also spoken with other people who have a key moment of inspirationbased on an experience in early childhoodthat created a positive drive and a resilient mind-set.

On Wednesday, 9thMay our NLP Practice groupwill explore this topic further. Do email me if you would like to join us. melody@gwinzlp.com